My Guilt Box and "Sould's" List

I’ve spent my whole life making-up things- The dinner I refused to eat, the homework I “forgot” at school, the exercise I was supposed to do yesterday, the prayers I fell asleep in, the shower I was supposed to clean, the college I was supposed to graduate from, that thing I was supposed to make last week but never finished, the this-that-and-the-other-thing I was “SUPPOSED” to do, but did not for whatever reason… I didn’t want to, I didn’t have time to, I had other priorities, or life simply got in the way.

 If I were to be honest with myself (and you) I would say out-loud that all of these “supposed-to’s” have filled me with guilt and to some extent or another have made me hate myself. (If I were good enough I would have done them in the first place…) but where does this come from? Certainly God doesn’t sit there in a constant state of disappointment in me. He made me and knows that I came from the dust….

(PROVING my point exactly!- As I sit here writing this out my ipod randomly changes to Bethany Dillon’s Tell Me, not something that fits in the current “genius list” at all. (God is so funny like that. I love how he speaks to me in those ways—anyway!)… it’s a song about not feeling good enough, being too afraid to step out of the guilt of not being what you think you should be… -tell me you love me- in the vastness of your amazing ability to love, even though I think I suck -is sort of the gist of it in my opinion. The second verse of the song seems to sum up the thought I’m trying to get across… -

“I know it’s like pulling teeth to try and convince me that your mercy can be bigger than what I deserve. Guess I’m just afraid to go head first into such a reckless way of drowning in wonder of peace, and knowing that it’ll never make sense that I am loved by you, really loved by you. So tell me when this night is over and the curtain falls that I will know the truth when it’s the only thing that’s standing tall; Unchangeable, unconquerable, immovable, irremovable, unwavering, untiring, unflinching, stubborn love of God. Tell me…”)

If what God tells us is true then I must believe that he doesn’t want me/us to live life out of guilt but have peace of mind that his grace is enough. I cannot do everything and its okay to let go of some things … “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  -2 Timothy 1:7

-A sound mind. -A sound mind, not a worried, self loathing, guilty, not good enough, shoulda-coulda-woulda mind.

I choose to believe that I will put my trust in God and He will lead me. If whatever is on the list needs to get done to serve His purpose it will get done because He will make a way, and if it doesn’t really matter and I can’t get to it I’m not going to waste my “sound-mind” feeling guilty about it.

The Oh So important reminder here is the recent (and constant) prayer that I would learn discipline. I am not giving myself a get out of jail free card to laziness and calling it faith. But a recognition that a large portion of the depression I’ve been feeling stems from the fact that I’m am not the person I thought I would be when I was 16 & planned my life out. I have spent the past several years trying to be that person, but in all honesty I don’t think the same things are as important now as that 16 year-old girl did. Forcing myself to stay in that box has given me bruises and a tired body. Why am I doing that when God gives me permission to be free?

I don’t want to be as devoted to studying as nursing school would require. I still think I would enjoy being a nurse and I still agree with the reasons I originally chose it as a profession. I also really enjoy my job at the hospital and there is room for advancement right now. I can serve the Lord through youth ministry like I enjoy with my current responsibilities. I can have a social life. I could afford to move out and be a foster parent like I’ve wanted to do for the last 10 years …if I go fulltime. Or I could stay part-time and stick with nursing because I “should” do it. At this point, the only reason I am doing it is because I said I was going to- to prove I can, and that stupid idea that success is being the person you set out to be when you were 16.

I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’m still thinking it over and trying to listen to God’s leading. Maybe it is still what he has for me, but I need to find the real reason He wants it for me. Or, maybe it’s time to let go and find something new.

I would appreciate any opinions, comments, advice, and especially any prayers you have to offer. Talking it out and considering all sides helps me deal with the changes I find so difficult to make.

 I pray you find the grace and freedom to let yourselves out of whatever guilt box you hold yourselves in.

A Prayer I may regret later...

I’ve had a lesson on my heart that has lead me to a prayer I may regret later… I have never learned the art of discipline. I have enough ADD tendencies that I can super focus on the things that I find interesting and are important to me (most of the time). But when it comes to working at things, I lack the strength to force myself to push through the difficult and onto the reward. Whatever is easiest AND will get me the most sleep is what I will do. Which doesn’t seem that terrible… if you justify everything in life.

Last year I decided I wanted to Love running. I went consistently enough that I actually made it to the point of going running even in the rain… but then it got hot out, I had extra hours at work and I was Tired. So I slept in, went to bed early, and ate brownies. Lots, and lots of brownies. But its ok, ‘cause I’ll run it off “tomorrow,” but tomorrow never came. Last year I was the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life.

I know that I am the healthiest emotionally & physically when I attend church and read my Bible regularly. But doing these things require me to have the discipline of getting out of bed on time. As I lay in bed day after day feeling guilty about having over slept today and missing my time with God, I promise that I’ll get up extra early tomorrow and “make-up” the time I missed… I’m just too tired right now. & It would be pointless anyway because I’d be too tired to focus and get anything out of it…. Where does this guilt come from?? I’ve never read Thou shalt spend 30 min’s reading your Bible everyday! And God has never asked me to make-up my time, but I somehow have convinced myself that I SHOULD do it, not because its good for me, I learn from it and it strengthens my soul, but because its what good Christian people SHOULD do.                  Wrong.           

The truth of the matter is, God loves me and wants to spend time with me. I say that I feel alone, but it is because I don’t make the time to know the God who adores me. I do not pour out my heart to Him and see what He has for me in return. There is not set time, there is no requirement. It comes from a grateful heart, and a desire to know more.

Sleeping is not bad. But all I can hear in my head is, ”All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient (profitable): all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” 1 Corinthians 6:12

And so I confess to you all that I am LAZY. I have valued the extra time in my bed over the Time I spend with God, over my well being, over respect for my family, over my desire to grow. And I pray that the Lord teaches me discipline and endurance and will bring me out from under the power of anything that keeps me from Him and my Christian walk.

I said that this is a prayer that I may regret because I know it will be a difficult lesson for me to learn. I don’t like hard work. Please pray that I don’t turn from it when it gets hard and I am “ tired”.

a long time coming

for many years i have thought i understood this idea of seasons; that each time of our lives gives way to another far different from the last. and, that it is all a natural progression of life. that what may be true or appropriate for this time of my life can be greatly different from that of another time. i thought i understood this, until the recent day i realized i am constantly fighting for life to remain the same. digging in my heels in that most stubborn way that i do, trying to force the “rules” to remain the same even though life has not.

i laugh to myself as i hear my own voice saying over and over to my younglife girls “you cannot expect people to stay the same. if we do not change we are not growing. & if we are not growing we are dead.” -as though i knew something about anything.

the truth of the matter is that as much as i revel in adventure, i hate change. it scares the hell out of me. my life has changed/ been changed. i am, in fact, being grown (rather reluctantly i must admit).

at 27, i am by no means the woman i thought i would be. (are any of us?) nor is my life where i thought it would be. in this season of my life i long to learn how to be ok with that, and find the healing i so desperately need. in order to do this, i (begrudgingly) must admit to myself that there are still broken bits that i need to cry over (a time to mourn/weep). that there are things i must ask forgiveness of (a time to tear up that which has been planted). things i must be willing to accept as truth (a time to reap).

as i process these truths with the only tool i know- my words, i invite you to bear witness, teach, learn, speak truth, point out flaws, guide, acknowledge, and most importantly for me- Know Me. i am not perfect, but if you are reading this you already know that. i hate taking the time to capitalize, if spell check didn’t catch it, i certainly am not going to (those are not the flaws you should point out), i will learn and relearn the same lessons over and over, i ramble, my sentences are structured like my thoughts not necessarily by grammar, i am emotionally driven, and i have no idea where this is going, but you are welcome to come along with me. (there, you’ve heard my disclaimer, follow at your own risk!)

i would also like to say thank you for your love and support throughout the years. you’ve been invited here because you have made a great impact on my heart and it means the world to me.